I have now been back at work and admittedly…I miss it. I miss it a lot actually.

I miss being at home with my daughters. You see when my wife and I decided to try for another little one to add to the “Newby Nest”, we planned to do things a little different than what we did with Sophia. Quite a bit had changed from when we had her, specifically two important factors. Ro was no longer working weekends and I was now working for the library, which is very generous with their paid time off offerings unlike my past job in retail. We looked at everything and decided that after her maternity leave had ran out I would take off an additional month to stave to avoid having to worry about childcare for a little longer. Fast forward a bit, Catalina was born, Ro spent her three months at home with her recuperating and showering our baby with love…and occasionally breast milk (Made myself laugh on that one).

The week I was set to take over was also the week school let out for our other two children. Now I have to admit, I was a little anxious about the prospect of not only keeping my kids alive for the next month, but also making it enjoyable. But, I made up my mind that I was about to rock this Daddy-duty time! I looked up all the summer activities I could find and programmed them into my calendar app. I also grabbed me an official “Dad hat”. I was ready!

To my surprise, the first couple of weeks went great. We managed to find that sweet spot between outside-the-house activities, inside-the-house activities, and keeping the baby content throughout. By the third week we had enrolled the oldest two in a summer reading program that lasted from 8-3 p.m. I was happy they were going to have the chance to play and learn with other kids, but I was also a little sad because we had just found our rhythm.

I still had my Lina Bug though, so for those last two weeks we walked every morning with Claire talking to the neighbors and listening to Pastor Mike, Pastor Steven, or whatever other pastor I could find on the podcasts app soaking up the sun, enjoying what little breeze there was. I would spend the rest of the day changing diapers, feeding, staring in Lina’s eyes trying to soak it all up, and then I would realize there still another 7 HOURS until Ro got back from work. During those 7 or so hours, I reflected a lot and wanted to share the biggest things I learned.

1. I CAN do this.

I have always struggled a bit with anxiety and in fact we took that into consideration before we decided to try for Catalina. Rightly so, Ro was worried that the additional (completely normal) stress of a new baby would send me overboard. To be honest, I was worried too, but something or perhaps Someone told me it would be ok. I learned that half the battle is in your preparation. I had become so comfortable with my anxiety that I would just try to avoid situations that trigger it. But life doesn’t work that way. It is stressful, and chaotic, and random, but it is beautiful if you can learn to embrace it. What did my plans look like? They went something like this: Get kids ready (Don’t worry if they don’t look like they just stepped off the fashion runway as long as their teeth are brushed, eye buggers are gone, and clothes are mostly clean). Get to your destination and don’t worry if you end up being a few minutes behind, you have THREE kids to get to the same place in one piece…if you don’t leave one then you’re doing just fine. Then you have to attend to the baby’s needs before they even register with her (cause you’re a boss). Lastly and most importantly, be ready to have to scrap the whole “mission” and head back home to regroup. Kids don’t care about your plans, if they need a snack and a nap. By the grace of God, it worked and I was able to take my girls out and keep it together. As an added bonus, I think they picked up on my newfound “zen” and therefore they were kind of chill.  Best part is I looked cool, calm, and collected when wifey came home. Which made her feel better about leaving me to care for 3 little humans.

 

 2. Our children NEED us!

My dad had stopped by and I shared with him that sometimes it feels odd that I didn’t see more guys out with their little ones. We talked about how when I first started having a family I noticed my friend circle got smaller and smaller. My dad told me how he experienced the very same thing raising my 4 younger sisters. He was the primary caretaker so where he went…they went. It was comforting to hear him be so candid about his feelings during that time.

I know there are some amazing fathers out there serving their wives and children with all their heart, in whatever capacitythat they can. I see plenty of dads breaking the mold and doing whatever is needed of them. I also see dads that have to make the hard sacrifice of spending time with their kids to ensure the family is provided for. I want to honor all of them because it is a tough and at times a thankless job, so my hats off to you for choosing to show up every day. With that being said, even today there still seems to be some taboo about what the roles of each parent are…comforter, provider, motivator, protector, and so on.

Often times, we get pulled into to certain patterns that can limit the potential of our families.

I want to say to all the dads that don’t feel that they can do what the moms because “they’re just better at it”, or you don’t want to “mess up the kids”, or whatever else…DUDE, YOU GOT THIS. YOU WERE BORN FOR THIS.

Are there differences in what each parent may be better at? Sure, but I am tired of the idea that moms are the better caretakers and we are just bumbling around with no sense of what we are doing. We are better than that. There are critical lessons that are kids are hungry for that they can only get from US as fathers, and we have to be present to deliver.

 3. The mothers NEED us!

Now before you beat the drum of independence, I am NOT saying that mothers are hopelessly dependent on the men around them. There are countless mothers who bear the full weight of parenthood and raise outstanding children. Likewise, as is the case in my home, there are mothers who are the glue that keeps everyone and everything together, and without them the family would lose its form.

What I mean is that our mothers need our support. If you are married that means breaking her out so she can go see that movie she’s been wanting to see with her friends or holding down the house so she can go get pampered a little (trust me…it’s a win win). Sometimes it is as simple as holding the baby so she can eat with TWO hands. The point is as husbands we need to be actively looking for ways to ease their burden. That goes double for the single mothers. They are pulling double the load. Whatever community that you are a part of and you see single moms, if you are in a position to help, even a little, it matters. This is not about comparing the hardships of fatherhood to motherhood. The reality is history has placed most of the responsibility of child rearing on the mothers. It is time we step up and take our rightful place as the influencers of the home.

 

D.