We all experience it, in one form or another. An ugly guilt that keeps me up at night. I try to cover it up with an extra game of Uno, one more bedtime story, or a piece of chocolate after dinner. All in hopes of covering up the shame, that I may not be doing this mothering thing right.

Mom guilt is different than mom shame. To me, shame comes from external sources, guilt is something you put on yourself.

The biggest guilt I carry around is how different the first years were with each of my daughters. When I had Jai, my oldest, I was in nursing school at UCA for the first three years of her life. It was hectic. She spent most of those days with my parents, while I rushed to class, or while I worked 12 hour shifts every weekend. I always tell people, I may not have been married, but I was never a single mother. My parents helped every step of the way.
This is where the major mom guilt comes in. I didn’t know all the beautiful things I missed with Jaidyn. She is so incredible and I wish I could have given her true stability and well…just more of me. I wish I could remember what she smelled like or her cuddles. I remember how quiet she was during the time I was doing homework. I remember the go go go. I remember how happy she was to see me after 12 hours, only to sneak out for work at 6 am the next day. She deserved more.

In October of 2009, I met my husband and we welcomed our daughter Sophia in October of 2012. Everything was different for me. We had a home together, we were happily married, and we PRAYED that the Lord would bless us with a child. By the time I had Sophia, I was already a nurse and had decided to take 13 weeks off work to be with her. It was the best thing I could have ever imagined. I decided this time, I was going to do it the “right way”. I jumped at the opportunity to work weekend option.

Let me tell you how much of a blessing that was! I was able to drop off and pick up my children from school, be at all the classroom activities, and it gave my husband the opportunity to be a father to the girls and figure it all out on his own during the weekends. Being at home with Sophia taught me how to savor every giggle, every milestone, and even even baby tantrum. I finally felt like I was doing motherhood “right”.

Little did I know working weekends came at a price too. I missed all the family gatherings, never attended church, and became isolated from friends. I felt that while I was doing what was best for the kids, I lost myself.

Here we are at a crossroad again. My time off with with our new babe Catalina Rose has come to an end and I am sad about it. I have an amazing job with great coworkers and a great boss but I still can’t help but think that I rather be at home. I constantly try to convince Derrick to let me go part-time but as of today, that is no go. I still pray major circles around that specific want though. God knows my heart.

I don’t want fancy things, I just want to be here to raise my babies. 

I will give be thankful through it all though. Luckily, Derrick will be able to take a paid paternity leave for a month, then my dad will keep Catalina Rose until we are comfortable enough to send her daycare. So even though, it won’t be me… I know she is in good hands.

Friends, we have to let go of this mama guilt and replace it with grace. We are doing the best we can.
Rosa