You are capable. You can do this. It’s your purpose.

I have been saying these things to myself over the last couple of weeks, and sharing them on my social media. So let’s be real…
Mothering is the hardest thing I have ever done, constantly try to improve, and most of the time I feel like I suck at it.

Parenting keeps me up at night. Just when you think you know what you’re doing, a kid sticks a rock in her ear.

Anyway, this worried me more than Samuel the rock.

Conversation:
J: “Mom, … I’m sad.”
Me: “Why baby?”
J: “I don’t know. I try to feel better, but I just don’t know how.”

Gut check: My oldest is experiencing a change in hormones & I may be raising a pre-teen.

This long conversation opened the door to a new landmark in motherhood: how do I help my child navigate through feelings and emotions, when I myself sometimes cannot deal.

Jai hasn’t been the best at coping because she is the most selfless, loving, patient little person I’ve ever met. She feels her feelings, and for the most part, pushes them to the side. Once she neglected to tell me about an issue at school because she said she knew I was already stressed and didn’t want to add to it.

*INSERT SOBS HERE*

Jai will ignore her needs, to love you better. But we all know what happens later, right?

People like this bottle everything up until they explode.
My sweet little sqeaky voiced girl is no different; she has exploded a few times before.

After seeing a pattern, I did what every parent does… I worried and read tons of parenting articles on coping.

One article states that we as parents, try to fix everything for our kids the second they are upset. TRUE.

Mentally noted. I have to stop doing that. I can’t go around fixing everything for them. They have to learn how to navigate through their own feelings and at least attempt at finding a solution.

A solution for coping looks different for everyone. For me it means indulging in romantic comedies with my old friends…carbs. I am also known to take long romantic walks down the isles of Target.

Will this work for Jai? Probably not.

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So here I am, just a mom trying to help her kid figure it out.

*Disclaimer: In no way shape or form do I have life figured out. I just do stuff hoping it pulls me out the funk.

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First things first: Recognize that feeling.
Recognize what you are feeling when it hits you. Am I sad, angry, or frustrated?
Once you know what you are feeling, allow yourself to really FEEL it. I find myself telling the girls that it’s ok. It’s ok to be sad Jai. It’s ok to be angry, Soph.
Second: Accept it. There’s nothing more hurtful or frustrating than someone telling you that you have no reason to feel the way you feel. Or being told to get over it.
If I am mad, no matter how irrational it may be, Derrick now knows to let me be mad. The last piece of pie he ate, even though I had been thinking about it all freaking day, becomes irrelevant after a little jam session to Backstreet Boys and a steaming hot shower.

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Here’s a little science:

Coping skills can be developed into brain habits. If our children learn to recongnize emotions and the stressors that accompany them, then they can learn to cope accordingly.
If you train your brain to recongize anger, and then you decide the best way you cope with it is running ( or any other activity) then your mind will resort to that coping mechanism when anger appears. That is how habits develop.

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As parents, it is our duty to equip our children early with proper coping mechanisms. If we can show them a healthy way to deal with breaking their favorite toy or the loss of a beloved pet, then maybe one day they will be able to handle a broken heart or loss of a friendship.

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Words of advice to my girl:

• Let yourself be _______. (angry, sad, frustrated.) Give yourself time to feel whatever you are feeling, don’t rush through it because it will catch up with you later.
• Positive self talk. “I maybe sad now, but I want to be happy and I will go find things that make me feel better.” Even if you don’t feel it now, prepare yourself for getting out of the funk. Funks come and go. Just set your mind and heart to know that they don’t last forever because of God’s love and promises to you.
• Find what helps pull you out of the funk. For her it was mommy-daughter date nights. A new book. Bubble baths.
• Create a life of healthy habits: Go to bed at the same time every night. Wake up early. Take your vitamins. Drink water. Condition your hair. Eat fruit and veggies. Move your body everyday.

Music to soothe your soul. Reading to take you to different times and places. & fur babies to love you back.

How do you cope? I know many of my readers find joy at Target.

Whatever you do, enjoy the process. Let yourself feel, it is what let’s us know we’re alive.

Your friend,

Rosa